Ministry of Zero

My first post in 2024!

It's been a long, long, long time I actually posted something which is not a recap, short story, or travel summary. I actually want to write something about life and how I view it for today.

It's a short post, I think.

It's the 13th day in 2024 and I have been taken on a roller coaster of mixed emotion. Is it good? Is it bad? At this very moment, I would not say it's the best moment to record in 2024 -- considering January is usually one of my favorite months of the year.

How would I put it in words?

You know when you really, really want something,
and you cannot have it but, eventually, with time and effort spent, you finally get it?
And, yet, one day, you're told that you can't have it anymore,
which makes you really sad that you don't want to let it go.

Some said it's attachment issue.
We should not be to attached to another thing or person or environment.

I agree. 100% agree.

Being kind does not mean you sacrifice yourself for others.
Being happy does not mean you should make others happy when it gives you unhappiness.

Yet it's very understandable for us to grieve and question ourselves:
Why should we let it go? What did we do wrong for this to happen?
How could we prevent or stop this from happening?

We try to tie things down when it might only hurt ourselves.
We are unable to answer those questions because we feel like it's the best to keep how things are at the moment.

Oh well, give it some time, people said.
You'll learn to let go.

Okay. Minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days.
You think to yourself, I still can see it anyway.
It's still there but not completely mine.
It's better than nothing.

However, it makes you wonder.
If spending time and effort back in those old days make you able to achieve it,
why couldn't it work again after you let it go?

Maybe you should repeat it again.
The time.
Maybe you didn't do it enough.
The effort.

Who could tell us that maybe it's not the problem.
That sometimes things are not meant to be.
That maybe the future seems bleak now but it might shift to clearer sky soon.
That there are better things are in store for you.

No one could tell us that.
Sorry, everyone can tell us that, but we would never listen to them anyway.
We believe what we want to believe when we're grieving.

You wish things stay the same.
Because you feel that it's the best that you can have.
Because you feel that if you put more time and effort, things might change.

And yet the change might not be for the better.

But it's natural for us to be sad, to feel broken, to ask for understanding,
to wish for things to stay the same,
because, somehow, the feelings we have from the start,
poured into the actions and words you have given in every second thinking about it,
they stay in your heart.

It never fades away.

Endlessly.