Ministry of Zero

I think... Since 2009, I believe that sometimes things are better left unsaid. Despite the fact that I also think that it's better to say what's on your mind rather than keeping them inside -- unless they are mind readers, they will not know what you are thinking.

Quite condradictive, right?

Well, I learned things the hard way. Hopefully, it gets better now but there are a lot of occasions where I chose to speak my mind and things just got worse. I ended up blaming myself and thought: "If only I didn't say it and just keep the silence".

For example, if you have friend "A" who tells you about something that he dislikes about your best friend "B", what will you do? I have the urge to tell "B" because I also believe that it's not a very attitude but another voice knocks me: "Is it really your business, Er? It's their problem. Besides, if you tell "B", it might ruin your friendship because it looks like you backstabbed him!"

Of course, it's just me being overthinking. A good friend will not be offended as long as I tell "B" in a polite-not-judging way. I know that but how can I assure myself that I've done it good enough? Such a dilemma.

Okay, now, to explain the background of me writing this post... It's actually a very long, long, long story and I don't think the details are related to anything I will write here anyway. However, I would like to put an important disclaimer first.

This is written based on my point of view only.
I personally think that none of us (related to this 'issue' if I might choose that term) is innocent; everyone made mistakes in different ways. Unfortunately, the way to fix whats's broken by our mistakes could only be paved as one path by us so...

This is a message that I really want to write to someone.

Hello, you.

It's been a really long time since I wrote something for you. Both of us know that I'm better with written words but it's you who are so much better when it comes to direct conversation. That's why I always thought that we completed each other as best friends.

Let's see... We've known each other since we started college but it's only after some romance sprinkles kicked in life along with our dedication to complete stuff that we became really close. I have other close friends but you're like the first person I have in my mind whenever something happened -- good or bad.

We loved to prepare birthday surprises for our friends. Our favorite genres of songs were pretty similar. We liked to try new things: foods, movies, travelings. During our friendship for years, the fact that you were always there for me was something that I really cherished because, although I have some close friends, I am not the type who will keep in touch with everyone on daily basis -- even until now. While we had random conversations every day -- I know you also did the same to other goods friends of yours though because you're really friendly!

I didn't call you like a sister-I-never-had. For me... you're a best friend for life.

You're someone whom I wanted to celebrate things with together, whom I wanted to support when you're sad, whom I'd like to explore new places with, whom I'd like to share about new stuff in town, whom I'd like to spend time with just to talk about whatever we want to.

I remembered you accompanied me to an event at night and then I stayed in your place. I remembered you cried when your heart was broken. I remembered all those long phone calls where you listened to my rants -- be it because of personal issues, love life, or work stuff. I guess I just trusted you that much.

But... when did everything go wrong?

Was it because I never really tell you about me as much as I did before? Was it because I didn't do much as you did for me? Was it because I say something that hurt you? Was it because I being too ignorant? Or was it because I trusted you too much?

I never really got the answer. I don't think I ever will get one from you.

I don't know why you're not being honest with me. The first time I knew it, I reminded myself that it's all my fault and I just wanted to keep being friends with you. Months and months later, again, I didn't know when everything started wrong but I started to question your honesty.

I realized that I had not been the most perfect friend. I might have done better but every single time a new fact was revealed, it hit me hard: Did I really know you at all? Could it be that, during all these times, you're just trying to bear with what I want instead? Was I the only one who thinks of us as best friends?

Even worse, I wondered if I should just pretend that I didn't know about what had happened. If I kept silent and ignored all the facts, could we still be friends? Were you angry with me because I chose to confront you to reveal the truth?

I feel like I have tried to fix our issues. Despite people telling me that I didn't need to do it, I still tried to talk to you, be it a simple lunch or quick call. It's really awkward but I thought it would work somehow. I mean... We've been friends for almost a decade, right?

However... one cannot be the only one who holds the thread of friendship. It takes two to hold each of the ends and, after more revealed facts that I never thought you would do... I realized that maybe it's only me who wanted to have our friendship back. Maybe you're happier without me. Maybe I was not a good friend to you.

Some asked me... Have you moved on, Er? Have you forgiven everything?

My answer is always the same: It's just a shame that everything should turn out to be this way.

Years of friendship shattered into pieces because of unspoken truth. In case you wonder if you told me everything back then, would it be better now? To be honest, I'd still be mad at you but, I assure you, I will never let our friendship became nothing like now.

So... Well, if move on means I have no grudge over you anymore... I never hold any grudges on you. To put it frankly, it brings no good to me. Nothing will change even if I hate you.

I live my life to the fullest. I find my own happiness in every little thing I do. I celebrate my life with my closest ones and meeting new people as well. I have stopped blaming myself and asked unanswered questions for more than 3 years now so, yeah, I'm definitely okay now.

But it will never mean I have forgotten everything. Unfortunately, I'm pretty good when it comes to remembering things, eh?

That day, when you said you missed me and cried, and when I told you the same, I poured my heart, hoping that we could be friends again even if it would be slightly different than before.

Today, I knew it would be a mission impossible but, how I really wish, that you would explain everything to me. The story from your side. The reason you hid things from me. The thoughts you had to make the choice. The moments we've never shared together ever since that incident.

Do you remember the concept of love I once shared with you?

Once you love someone, you never stop loving them. If you hate them afterward, it means you never love them. Although you walk on a different path, you'll always wish for their happiness, even if you're not in their lives anymore.

That's what I feel for you.

I wish you eternal happiness. I wish your special one will always cherish you every single day of your life because you deserve it. I wish you will always be surrounded by people you love. I wish you will always be blessed with health and goodness.

Although I might not be a part of your life anymore, I'm forever grateful that you're once a part of my life. Every friend is special to me and you're definitely one of them.

Lately, I saw a picture of you smiling and, instead of feeling hurt because you looked perfectly okay without me, I feel glad that you're doing very well. Well, in the deepest corner of my heart, a voice did say: "If only you didn't confront her that day, Er, you might be with her there."

But it doesn't matter. What matters now is you're ready to celebrate your life.

I still feel sad that I could not use the term friends-for-life with you anymore but, well, I guess there are just some things that would always be separated for good. Like this favorite group of yours -- I'm writing this post while thinking of you and listening to their songs. I remember singing their songs with you during karaoke -- one of the so many things that I might never experience anymore with you.

Well... I'm going to close this message that might never reach you with one of their songs.

Thank you, for once being my best friend.
It might sound foolish but... you're still one of my dearests. :)

If I'm allowed to imagined myself sending you a wish, I just want to say this.