I'll start this post with a short introduction about my family.
My Dad was born in Pematang Siantar, year 1958, while my Mom was born in Medan, year 1965.
My Mom had one older brother and a younger sister. Both her parents were still alive when my Dad and Mom got married, while my grandparents from Dad's side had passed away before.
My Grandma (from Mom's side) moved together with my Mom after she got married to my Dad, helping with house chores, from cooking to taking care of her own grandchildren. She also moved to Jakarta in 1992 with my parents and stayed with us, in the same house, for more than 30 years.
Year 1989, my older brother was born and both my grandparents were so thrilled as he's their first grandchildren. My grandmothers especially spoiled him a lot; she barely ever scolded him, no matter what happened. Sometimes I was enraged -- or jealous? -- due to this treatment.
Year 1991, I was born in Medan. I am the only daughter but I was not everyone's favorite. Do not take it in a wrong way though. What I'm trying to say is, if you think I am spoiled since I'm the only daughter, you're extremely wrong. That's all.
Year 1993, my first younger brother was born a year after my family moved to Jakarta. Oh, my Grandpa didn't live with us but he did visit us from time to time.
Year 1998, my little brother was born, completing our family.
So, this post will be a memoir of my Grandma who had passed away 7 days ago on 14 March 2019.
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| My Grandparents, around 28 years ago(?) |
As I mentioned above, she had been staying with my parents ever since 30 years ago. Unlike my Grandpa whom we didn't meet every day, she was a part of our daily life.
She cooked for us, cleaned the house, watched TV with us, played with our pets, she wished us happy birthdays, she smiled for us every day and night, she opened the door for us to leave for work.
She was there. Always.
She rarely fell sick. Almost never, except fever and cough which went away after taking medicines. She was so healthy that, if I'm not mistaken, 10 years ago, she would still go to the market every morning to buy vegetables. Even 3 weeks ago, she still took the stairs happily to play with our pets since our home consists of three floors.
Of course, as time passed, things might change.
As for her, you could say that it's her memory but it's pretty normal. She forgot to put some things at places or things she had done before, but not to any extreme cases. She was still able to cook my favorite dish and fold clothes like how she always did but, of course, her activities had decreased.
She often took sleep at noon and then watched TV more often. Mom didn't want her to be exhausted due to her age -- she just celebrated her 80th birthday last month.
For us, it's all normal.
Then, one day, she stopped talking.
That day, Friday, 8 March 2019.
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| Throwback to 25 (or 30) years ago, Mom said |
I was in Singapore for a business trip. I would arrive in Jakarta at 7 PM that day. That noon, my older brother sent me a message on WhatsApp, telling me that they needed to call for a doctor because my Grandma suddenly didn't respond to any call after she took her usual nap after lunch.
I didn't think too much and just told him to update me if there's anything else.
Once I landed at Soekarno-Hatta International Airport, I was actually planning to visit my friend who just gave birth but changed my mind when Mom told me that the condition had not changed. I immediately set my destination to home to find my Grandma laying on her bed.
She barely opened her eyes when I walked in, breathing heavily. She had not eaten anything, not moving except lifting her arm or leg once in a while randomly, not speaking a word for more than 8 hours.
I tried my best to calm down but what the others told me made my thought wandered away. The doctor who visited at 3 PM said that she was probably mad because someone hurt her feeling because she pinched my brother who wanted to lift her up when they wanted to bring her to a hospital.
I freaked out a little and decided to call for an ambulance. Seeing my Mom cried when she begged my Grandma to say anything, to forgive her if she had said anything wrong, broke my heart to pieces. Mom told me to go to Rumah Sakit Sumber Waras but, after I made a call, the hospital was full at the moment.
I called 119 for an ambulance and, long short story, after quick checkup which gave results that my Grandma's condition was completely normal, from pulse to sugar level, the ambulance helped us to bring her to a hospital. In the ambulance, my Grandma tried to take off the oxygen tube from her nose, still without saying a word.
I'm not going to mention the hospital name here but I'm extremely disappointed with how the hospital staffs treated my Grandma as the patient. Every time I tried to confirm about the status, each of the staffs would say that it's not their task so I should look for the respective doctor/nurse... while they're chatting with other staffs.
I wonder if that's how hospital work.
The doctor didn't give me any better impressions. After she told me that the CT scan at the hospital could not be used at the moment, she didn't give me any solution. I needed to ask for the solution and it's 2 in the morning. I know they're busy and it's pretty crowded but I'm pretty sure that's not the right work ethic.
Anyway, she said that if we needed to do the CT scan, my Grandma should be transferred to another hospital first and they would take care of it. I returned to home while my Dad stood by there. I had some rest before going back to the hospital at 9 AM to find all the staffs had changed shifts and none had taken care of the transfer to do the CT scan.
I was completely frustrated and couldn't hold back my tears when the staff gave me the excuse that he had no idea since he just started his shift. That's when the staffs finally contacted the other hospital and prepared for the transfer.
However, due to some personal reasons, my Mom decided to bring Grandma back home. She would take care of her. She couldn't bear to see my Grandma had her hands restrained since she kept trying to take off the infusion tube as well.
So, that Saturday noon, my Grandma was back at home, resting on her own bed.
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| It's me that she's carrying! |
On Sunday morning, she had a fever and we knew that it's predictable. She couldn't drink or eat. She barely moved that day already. She was breathing through the mouth only instead of the nose. She never opened her eyes anymore.
After some discussions, we decided to bring her to Rumah Sakit Royal Taruma and, thankfully, we got quick responses upon our arrival. After taking care of all administrations, at 7 PM, the CT scan result was out.
We had thought of the possibility of stroke since she suddenly stopped talking but the basic checkups didn't show any hint of stroke. The result was a really big shock for us. Never once we thought of that possibility.
Brain tumor.
If I did a quick research on the internet, according to the CT scan, it's a midline shift.
Immediate surgery was needed but there were some circumstances and considerations to be taken care of and, unfortunately, with all the possibilities, my Grandma's children -- all three of them -- decided not to have the surgery with very low success percentage.
It was so unfortunate but at least we knew what her actual condition was and, with all our honesty, we prepared ourselves for the worse.
But watching her suffering with all the tubes and everything made my heart bleed.
We brought her back to home on Sunday night and, on Monday noon -- I took leave from office to stay at home--, her condition deteriorated again. She kept coughing and we couldn't shove the porridge or water to her throat for sure. We called another doctor and had him to give infusion for nutrition and medicine. The doctor suggested preparing for NGT so my Grandma could have some food instead of just water.
I decided to leave to Bandung for work on Tuesday morning, on my little brother's 21st birthday, since I thought my family could handle it without me.
Things didn't turn out the way we expected it would be. NGT was failed to be inserted due to the liquid blocking the path. I quickly found a way to rent a suction pump but, still, that Tuesday night, I must realize that NGT would never be set for her.
Things didn't turn out the way we expected it would be. NGT was failed to be inserted due to the liquid blocking the path. I quickly found a way to rent a suction pump but, still, that Tuesday night, I must realize that NGT would never be set for her.
My Grandma cried, struggling as the sign that she didn't want to have that plastic tube inside of her. My Mom stopped the nurse from continuing and decided to continue giving infusion instead.
I decided to return to Jakarta on Wednesday afternoon and I greeted her that night. Her white hair, her pale skin. She was so skinny that night and her body was so warm. I went to bed without any thought.
Mom woke me up at 4:30 AM later, holding back her tears as she said, "Grandma has gone".
I jumped out of my bed and rushed to her side. Her body was still so warm but there was no breathing at all. Her chest didn't move like how I saw her 6 hours ago before I went to bed. I called out for her several times even though I knew she wouldn't respond.
She's gone.
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| She's with Grandpa now, right? |
Mom is the closest to her. She cries so often even days after my Grandma's funeral. Mom keeps telling us about what my Grandma would do now if she's still alive. She repeats the words on and on but I never stop her.
That's how she remembers her.
I have so many things to regret despite the fact that I have prepared my heart since 8 March.
On her 80th birthday, I am the only who was not present due to a business trip. She rarely wanted to be photographed but Mom said that my Grandma was so happy that day. She even blew the candles to make a wish. They took a family picture together as well.
Everyone still had quick conversations with her on Friday 8 March. She even still opened the door for my younger brother before work. Meanwhile, my last time hearing her voice is on Sunday 3 March, the day I left for Singapore for a business trip. I barely saw her for the past year due to me leaving Jakarta for work.
I haven't learned how to cook my favorite food from her because I always thought there would be tomorrow. There would be next time when I could be at home.
But that chance doesn't exist anymore now.
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| Her 80th birthday; also, ironically, the one we chose for her funeral picture |
I wouldn't be able to hear you reminded me to have some foods before leaving the home.
I couldn't hear your laughter anymore when we watched something funny.
I would never see your smile when I bought you chocolate or any food from another city every time I returned from a business trip.
I could not see you playing with Luna or Choco when I return from work at night again.
Do you know that sometimes when someone opens the 2nd-floor bedroom, I thought it's you?
For a split of a second, I feel like my heart clenches upon the realization that it would never be you anymore.
Do you know that on every last day of my business trip, before going back to home, I am thinking about what kind of sweet I should buy just to realize that there is no you to enjoy it anymore?
Do you know that I'm crying now just by imagining you saying to me, "Don't cry. It's alright."
I'd do anything to speak one more time with you.
Truth to be told, like everyone told me already, you're no more in pain.
At least you didn't have to suffer longer with all the tubes and injections and pains.
You're at a better place now and you would want us to live a better life for sure.
I know. I understand.
It's just my heart hurts so much whenever I think that I might not be a good granddaughter for you.
I miss you.
And I love you so endlessly.
I'm letting go,
but will never forget the memories of you.
Rest in Peace, Phopho.
21 March 2019
your first granddaughter
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| Taken on my 2nd birthday |
* * *
That night, on 8 March 2019, this song was played on the radio.
And still my tears roll down listening to it.
Because of how special my Grandma is for me.
Always.
"Well, they say people come
They say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know
Still I see you, celestial"
